IF you read this, I hope it's not too late...

Two years before....."You really need to get all four of your wisdom teeth removed," They said.

Three weeks before....
"Schedule it for a Thursday, that way, you'll have the weekend to take it easy and by Monday, you'll be good to go," They said.

After two years of hearing this rhetoric, I finally scheduled myself a harmless,little, old toof extraction at the oral surgeon's. I was to have four teeth removed by appropriately-named, Dr. Hurt. I heard the nurses snicker and sinister chords from a pipe organ resonate in the hall as I said that "Yes, Thursday, Jan. 24 would be fine for surgery."

Last week....
Before I closed my eyes, as the serum invaded my veins, I heard the doctor whisper to the nurse, "Tell Satan to come out of the closet. It's time to surgically implant him in the victim's mouth." I was paralyzed to run.I knew I had been duped by the Dental profession.

Jan. 24, 2008
The cruel hand of fate was dealt and my mouth auctioned to Beelezubub. Who will ever know the truth? Nobody will take me seriously. They say the drugs are making me talk out of my head. I plead to be understood. They must know that something evil has taken place in furthest recesses of my lower jaws but all I get is some jello and pureed soups. Ah more Vicoden...snzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Jan. 25, 2008
My head is three times the size it used to be. Everybody pretends it's not that bad but I can tell by their worried whispers that the experiment has gone dreadfully wrong. They keep feeding me the evil that is pudding and telling me that it's not that bad but I know I look like Eric Stoltz in "Mask". How will this all end? Hasn't Satan done enough? How much humiliation can one person endure?

January 31, 2008
The devil's grip has lessened on my jowls. My will is stronger than his but the sulpher-like smell of death still permeates my breath as a sign of his resistance to all my Lysterine. I will fight you, Lucifer!

Tune in to the rest of the saga....

Book of Answers.

I gave my friends The Book of Answers for Christmas. It's a handy little hardback book that promises to help with all of life's uncertainties and problems.
Here's what you do...Think of the question that's on your heart while holding the closed book on your lap or on a table. Take 10 - 15 seconds to concentrate on the question. Questions should be close-ended. Open the book when you sense the time is right and there, ladies and gentleman, is your answer.

Let's ask my copy of this little gem a few important questions...

Will I ever go to Italy? Doubt it.
Will I ever lose all this weight? Wait.
What am I waiting for? Should I wait until they legalize crack and use that as my diet aid? There is a substantial link to another situation.
What? Like, am I going to have to go to rehab if I take crack? Consider it an opportunity.
Will I meet famous people at my rehab? Respect the rules.
What if I forget to respect the rules seeing how I'm all strung out on crack. Will they kick me out? Make a list of why.
I don't want to make a list why I didn't respect the rules. Will Britney be my roommate? Get it in writing.
I don't know what the hell that means!! You can't count on anything Britney does even if you get it in writing. Will Britney get her act together in the next 6 months? Mishaps are highly probable.
You can say that again, Answer Book. Let's look at the presidential race. Will Hillary get the Democratic nomination? Remove your own obstacles.

Whoaa....slow down, chief, I don't have obstacles. I'm not even running. So, do you like Obama? It may be difficult but you may find value in it.
Don't toy with me, book. So back to my original question. Will I lose weight this year? Ask your father.
Leave my dad out of it. I give up. Will I get a new car this spring? Upgrade any way you can.
Does that mean I've got to sell crack to get my car? Listen more carefully; Then you will know.
What the hell??? Answer me, dammit! Is this going to be my best year ever? Try a more unlikely solution.
Wait...does that mean my year is going to be awful? I need to end on a positive note. Do you like McCain for the Republican nomination? No, cancel that...Will I receive a large sum of money by summer? It seems assured.

Wooo Hoo! Thanks Book of Answers! For a while there I was starting to think you were a gimmick; a fake. I thought you were just toying with me. Thanks for the good news.
If you have pressing matters that need resolving, please send me whatever is weighing on your mind and my book will guide you.

Calling All Molecules for Change

Why did I pick up Elizabeth Gilbert's book, Eat, Pray , Love? Why? Now I'm full of restlessness and jealously and unfocused energy. I am officially on the countdown to turning 40. This is the year, folks, and I desperately need some Oprah magical A-HA! moments. It's time to live my best life and blah, blah, blah. I want some challenges. I need to meet some new people. I need to travel. I need push myself a bit more to be a better person, mother, wife, and even a student.

The thing is that I have already set some goals. I'm already doing something out of my comfort zone (teaching) and I have signed up to try to be a bit better ( Weight Watchers, more church, looking inward, and praying). So why am I looking for new things to add to the old, new things?

That's just the way I've always been - whacked out on undiagnosed ADD.

Here are my challenges for 2008. Things I want to accomplish before turning 40 on December 13, 2008.

l. Lose 30 -40 pounds. I signed up for Weight Watchers two weeks ago. I'm down a whopping four pounds. I get all four of my wisdom teeth extracted this Thursday. The only good that will come of that is I will not be able to eat for a few days.

2. I am teaching again. I like it but I still don't know if I'm imparting any practical knowledge to my students. I would like to look into getting a master's degree in literature or creative writing. I will be looking into the possibilities.

3. Lisa Melton told me about a 5k run in Germantown. She is doing a half-marathon. I will try to finish 3 point something miles. Wish me luck.

4. I want to write / publish a book.

This is my plea to the universe: lose weight, more learning, physical fitness, write more and publish, be a better mother, wife, daughter. In fact, all of this list making is my way of trying to rearrange the fabric of the universe to help me make a better, more restful bed. I have decided it can't hurt to practice some new age philosophy along with good old-fashioned Presbyterianism. Any and all advice will be appreciated.

What???

Dammit!!! I just wrote something incredibly beautiful, heartwarming, and life changing but you will never know because my fingers just spazzed and I deleted it. Happy New Year!

Camp Rehab

>Editor's note: I wrote this back in July but never posted it. Please, enjoy the rant!

I went to New York. I moved to a new house. My son has developed all kinds of neuroses (?) neurosises(?) neurosi (?) crazy new personality ticks due to the move. I went to the beach. I am supposed to be searching for grants for Pillow Academy. I have slacked off in every aspect of my life. I never forgot about you!

My friend, Paige, wants me to chime in on the trendy super hot spot of the moment - rehab. I should title this entry: Rehab and the idiots who go there for publicity and not to get the real help that is offered. Prison is a close second on the celebrity top 5 summer respites.

What is there to say about Lindsay, Britney, Paris, Mel Gibson, Nicole and her alleged fetus that hasn't already been satirized and made fun of by absolutely everybody. Apprarently, you're nobody until somebody plans an intervention for you.

Did you see Alec's brother, Daniel Baldwin, on that ABC special report? His rehab place looked like a spa. I could use a rest and I'd like to go where the action is hot, the therapy is cool and the sincerity is lukewarm. Sounds kind of like camp. How's the food? Could I get a tan there? Can I study Kabbalah? Make a lanyard?

I'm so there!

Those Who Can't Do - Teach at Community College

I go back for round two of college for the feeble minded. I am the epitome of a college intructor gone wild in my utter lack of knowlege and ill-preparedness. I am so tired with worry at having to teach four classes full of young adults who don't know how to string a proper sentence together or spell but who are excited that they are in college. I don't quite know how to help them and it makes me sad, as well as, mad that I don't have enough information about the courses I'm teaching to fill an hour's worth of time.

On a lighter note.... How about that Brittney? Think she'll lose her children? Did you see the picture of her without her wig?

Those who can't do

Do you remember the movie, Coal Miner's Daughter? Do you remember the scene where Loretta Lynn is about to have a nervous breakdown on stage? Just before she collapses, she gives a little speech about how her life has always moved too fast. She tells her fans that her daddy told her that she had to run her own life and if she didn't, her life would run her. She tells everybody that one day she was just a little girl in the holler then she was married at 13 and then she started having babies and now she's up on a stage talking to her audience. That's just like my life except for growing up in the Kentucky Hollers, being married at 13, having four babies by the time I was 20 and oh yeah, I don't sing.

But I fear my life is running me right now.

All I know is that I was driving home from the beach last Sunday when I got a frantic call from a teacher at our local community college saying they were desperate for a remedial English comp teacher. She asked if I would like to jump in and start teaching the following week!!!

I have never wanted to teach. Never. Ever. Never!!!! I think teaching is a noble, high minded profession. It's just not anything I ever felt compelled to do. And now Mississippi Delta Community College is enlisting me to teach college students the basics of English Composition and by the way, could I do another class? It's reading. Reading - for college students!!!! What the hell?

After much soul searching and screaming to Super Steve that I can't do it. I relented and said I would because (a) it's only two half days a week in Greenwood;(b)it's more than double the meager money I made at the book store for 4 half days a week and (c)it's a challenge and I'm a sucker for ways to make myself crazier than I already am.

I don't know the first thing about teaching and I certainly don't know the first thing about teaching college students who didn't get the basics of English in the first place. I want them to love the power and beauty of a well written sentence and I want them to understand noun / verb agreements and what a preposition is and that it can't end a sentence. I want them to want to read for pleasure. I know that won't be the case. Even I never wanted to read required reading books. There was just something in me that rebelled about being told I had to do something.

Wish me luck. I hope I can find a way to make the classes palatable and interesting. I hope they don't eat me alive and call me a fraud. I start tomorrow.

Next entry: I will discuss why I went to NYC. Bring your notebooks because there may be a quiz.