Party of the Almost Half - Century

I turned 40 last Saturday!

I said it. It's out there. What of it? I don't have a problem with 40. Do you? No, really, I don't have a problem with turning 40. 40. Forty. FORTY!!!!

It sounds awful! That number represents middle agedom. I don't feel middle aged. I still feel 20 and I don't want to grow old gracefully. I feel there are still challenges to be met ...mountains to climb...new tricks to learn. Lucky for me, I have wonderfully immature fools for friends who made damn sure I didn't grow old without a big bang and a huge laugh!!! Because of them, I had the VERY BEST 40TH BIRTHDAY --EVER--LAST SATURDAY!!! My husband helped make it all possible but as I've said before, he is the more stately and dignified of the two of us and he was just as blown away by the spectacle of last Saturday as I was.

Six months ago, Lisa Lisa told me she and a few others wanted to give me a party to celebrate my rheumatism and sciatica. I thought that was real nice of her. Then I was asked what I wanted - well, I thought long and hard about what I would want and since my mind tends to wander- I had to ask her what I was supposed to be thinking about again. Then I remembered that I all I wanted for my birthday was "to be entertained". I thought maybe my young whippersnapper friends could get together a little dance number to put a smile on a little old lady's wrinkled face.

Well, those youngsters and some of my older friends immediately started practicing some dance moves unbeknownst to me and this past Saturday night I was treated to a medley of 80's and 90's dance hits with choreography that would blow Paula Abdul's wig off. Somehow, even some of the husbands learned a dance or two. There were costume changes, too. It was the most touching and exciting thing anybody's ever done for me! I felt the love! It was the very best way to turn 40. When I get the video, I hope I can post a portion of the extravaganza.

I have the very best friends!!!

GO VOTE

I can't wait for this race to be over so we can all settle down.

I am very undecided right now. I have always voted Republican but McCain hasn't inspired too much excitement or confidence for me. I don't like Palin and her "Joe Six-Pack", yuck yuck faux Midwestern drawl and let's face it, John McCain is OLD! My dad is 73 and he needs a nap every afternoon between 4 and 6 p.m. My dad has trouble remembering key facts at a moment's notice! John McCain seems more alert than Big Bill but you know, he's got to be tired!

Obama seems much more presidential. I like his delivery and his confidence but is that enough? I don't like the idea of spreading the wealth. I like the idea of change but is Obama the right change? Is it all just style over substance?

My students at MDCC are very excited about Obama for obvious reasons and my students at Pillow think if Obamam wins that part of the prophecy of Revelations will start unfolding and unraveling - speeding us toward the rhapture. Neither group has researched their stances but are voting based on the hype they have been told.

What am I going to do? Well, I tell you for sure- I will vote. Can't wait to see how this all pans out.

What a difference a weekend makes

So I got a few raised eyebrows and reminders not to jump after that last rant of a post. Thank you to those who were concerned. I can obviously summon my inner drama diva to the surface when pushed - let's call her Delila Devereaux.

Yes, something happened at work. I have since found out that it wasn't all about my performance but I was caught in the middle of a departmental dispute and I became the pawn in their little game. I am now only midly ticked off but that will dissapate with time and wine.

In other news, I spent time my freshmen college roommate and about 10 other girls who lived on the second floor of Stockard-Martin Dorm. Those were fun times and we were fun girls experiencing freedom and college life for the first time. Now 20 years later most of us are married and have children. A few never married. One or two women are divorced and remarried. Some have careers and some do not. Most are not hassled by The Man and one, most decidedly, is. She's was cutest one in the group.

WTF?

I'm Mad! I'm pissed! My feelings are hurt! I'm incredulous! I'm rightously indignated( I made that expression up - shut up!)! I feel thrown under the bus! I feel betrayed! I feel I've done a good job! Kiss my ass!I love my students! I love the profession I am in! I hate tattle tales! I hate spies! I hate ulterior motives! I hate snakes in the grass! I hate people who don't shoot straight ( Sarah Palin, excepted, SHE BUGS ME with her winks)! I hate administrative hacks! I hate being blindsided! I hate people who put their agenda on me! I hate not feeling validated! I hate feeling like I am walking into a lion's den! I hate feeling like people are against me! I hate "The Man"! I hate feeling unsettled! I hate feeling hustled! I hate that this rant is filled with hate! My logical husband stands with me! I am hopeful that things will be much better tomorrow!

Shut it down

I'm scared!
The whole financial world is falling down around me and I can't help but be a bit panicked. Everybody's forecasting our downfall...there's that Ahmenidinijadheadfedgfd / Iranian president, talking about the U.S.'s demise and then I heard, earlier today, that some financial expert in China declared America dead and done!
What can I do? I can't repair the economy. I can't lend the government 12 trillion dollars.
So I channel surf between CNN's coverage of America's economic meltdown to The Rachel Zoe Project on Bravo because nothing says, "Go U.S. A.!" or "Let's sacrifice for our country!" better than a lollipop head on a stick body, self-absorbed fashionista who commands people to "shut it down" while buying thousands upon thousands of dollars of haute couture. I don't know, it's just comforting for me - like having a Chanel cashmere blanket to stroke while listening to the sound of banks padlocking their doors.

What if your brain was a marshmallow?

High School students are funny. They are both funny haha and funny dude,- you-need-to-up-your-medication. Either way makes for some good entertainment!

My son is very funny. He is both witty and perplexing in his delivery. He likes to reinact cartoon anectdotes which don't translate as well in the 3-D world of adults but he and his sister double over with giggles after this....
"Hey there's a red-headed lady. Really? Where?"

Tickle boxes instantly turn over. Laughter spills out.

He also asks very hard, profound questions about the world.

What if the world was made of shoes?
What if this car was our house? Where would my room be?
What if the world was made of candy? Would you eat me?
What if smiles were made of red licorice?

And really, what if the world was made of shoes and smiles were licorice? What would happen? I can't answer any of this and it's so dang cute and at the same time so damn annoying because he never runs out of the hard questions.

Music Saves

I can't get enough of my music lately. I guess it's the only certain thing in an uncertain hormone-filled world of misguided teenage angst butted up against peri-menopausal angst coupled with mental superiority and jealous longing to have my whole life stretched out ahead of me like they do.

Oh, why is youth wasted on the young?

I find music very comforting and soothing after a long day of teaching private school seniors British Literature and college freshmen English Comp.

In reality, I am very much enjoying the new challenges of teaching high school students. I am studying a way more than I expected to get ready for each lesson. I'm getting a black belt in karate chopping complaints and kickboxing bad attitudes over the importance of studying Angles and Saxons. I also have some really sweet and over achieving students (mostly girls) that give me hope for the next generation. I even have one student that may is a budding comedian.

I still have my other gig at MDCC and my new crop of English Comp students are so different from last semester. I have several older students, mostly nurses, who are coming back to get higher certification. It's an interesting group. They aren't quite the slackers of last spring. These students on the whole, seem to have some goals regarding getting a degree. I hope I'm correct with this hunch because I have high hopes for them.


Here's a little of what I've been enjoying while I sip a glass of wine and get ready for the next day. This is Badly Drawn Boy singing "Once Around the Block" and I like the guitar and the easy sound.

This Marvin Gaye classic makes me want to DAINCE (that's better than dancing)! I stumbled across this song on the FM dial and remembered just how much I like this song and LOVE the man that sings it.


This song by Chromeo just cracks me up! It throws so many 80's elements into one song from the perky synthesizer to calling the girl a tenderoni. It's funny and catchy. I can't help but listen to this and smile. I also like their song "Bonafide Lovin'" This is for all the Tenderonis out there!

Can You Get Arrested for This?

It's midnight and I've fallen and cant' get up - off the computer - that is. Damn! I hate getting sucked into the world wide web. I've been Googling old college aquaintences to see anybody's doing anything interesting, noteworthy or having more fun than me. I can't find anybody. Is nobody doing anything that I can peak in on? No scandal. No arrests. NO FUN.

I did something interesting today. I interviewed literary icon, Elizabeth Spencer! If you aren't aware of her and you love writing, then shame on you. She has won numerous awards, her book, A Light in the Piazza, was adapted as a movie (starring Olivia DeHavilland and the sun-tanned actor, George Hamilton) and more recently as a Broadway musical and she befriended Eudora Welty and even had dinner with William Faulkner. She's 87 and sharp as a tack. Her first cousin is John McCain but she won't vote for him because she's a "dyed in the wool long time Democrat."

My dear little children are with their grandparents in Monroe,LA and it's quiet around here. I've been looking forward to a little late summer break and now that I've got it, I feel a little lost and out of sorts. Who can I Google next?

Welcome to my Summer

Whoa...Did I give you enough time to fully digest the phenomenom? / phenomena? / banamana??? of synesthesia Please write a three paragraph essay on why you wish you could see colors when you think of numbers or letters because you know you wish you could. Don't act like I'm the one who's crazy. You know your jealous 'cause my inner world is colorful and full of unicorns and rainbows and talking animals.

Perhaps you are hesitant to admit your awesome ability to see the 3-D images in Magic Eye pictures or maybe you think it's a little odd that inanimate objects channel their wants and desires through you. That just means you are the "Chosen One" (or so they say). Seeing leprechauns isn't so bad except when they start trash talking you and then you have to sacrifice something just to calm those tiny bitches down. I mean it doesn't happen all the time. They are only appeased when I bury a chicken foot and some locks of hair from the head of a green-eyed toddler in the backyard under a rock on the third Saturday's waning moon. That's not weird, is it???

When I asked friends, my students, and other random people if they exhibit any synesthesia traits, they acted like that was the craziest thing they ever heard. Note to self...keep synesthesia, as well as, THE VOICES on the d.l.

My LSU-loving husband found this song on the YouTube about all the Ole Miss girls out there. ">Holla!

So much to tell, So little time

I went to Destin, FL a.k.a. Redneck Riviera for a long weekend with three other lovely young ladies. It was Mom's Gone Wild '08 and did we have fun! I'll have to show you my tattoos in the next post.

Also, my dear, sweet and oh so sophisticated first-born celebrated her 8th birthday yesterday.

Lastly, my friend Keetha wrote about associating different letters of the alphabet with a distinct personality. I see letters in a rainbow of colors and I always thought everybody did the same until a couple of years ago when I heard about a something called synesthesia on NPR. I found out that not everybody does this. We are a select group. Unfortunately, it is not related to advanced intelligence, it's just a neurological hiccup in the brain.

I have much to tell but I have to get to Jackson for a doctor's appointment. Later, Gator.

Gray Watched The Godfather Marathon All Weekend

Ciao Bellas. My name is Count Vito Maximo Montefiori but these children, they call me Gray Gray. Whatever. The girl above, she worship me, Naturally. She very smart, very, how you say, "adorable". I like her because she feed me treats and makes me little construction paper crowns with the words "King Gray Gray" neatly printed around it. The boy, he is crazy. I advise you to mind your own business when he around. He constantly torturing me, but one day I scratch him good


Here I am snuggled up next to my favorite person. She think I muy super handsome and like a little angel. At least that what she always be saying to me - like I don't already know this. Still, she very sweet like a little bowl of gelato.

.
Perhaps,I get just a little shut-eye before making 3 a.m. patrol around the house then I jump on the people in the next room. Making the big man scream in the big bed is so very funny.


I am Gray Gray. You want I come to your house, si? I offer you protection, no? I make you offer , you no refuse. Capisce!

I think I could take more

20

Take the quiz by clicking on the link above. The test says I can whup up on 20 five-year-olds. See how you stack up against me. Remember 5-year-olds are animals (I know, I just went through a solid year of living with one!!!) They will attack without mercy and then when they think you have the upper hand, they'll cry or act like they're hurt, or refuse to play or the clincher, they'll tell you they hate you and your're not their best friend anymore. You may be tempted to give in but trust me,just when you think they have gone off to watch SpongeBob and everything's cool - WHAM - they will be all over you like a duck on a junebug. Show no pity or it will be your undoing!!!!!

Thanks, Sweetney.

Freakfest and Super Bowl 2008

I'm still slightly swollen from my wisdom teeth extraction or as I like to call it "Freakfest '08 but happily, I can go out in public without people gawking at my super large head and super small mouth. I would have been a great subject for The Learning Channel. They could put me on after "Life as a Primordial Dwarf Mother with One Arm".
I am one of those rare people who actually thinks going to the dentist is relaxing. I get in the chair, put one arm over my waist and perch one arm on the arm rest and then I become hypnotized by staring into the overhead light. I love that you get a new toothbrush and floss after it's all done because I'm easy that way. My open-arms policy concerning dentistry, plus, my fast recovery after two c-sections led me to believe that I would be on my feet in no time. I was duped and I now I'm wiser. Luckily, I have no more teeth to sacrifice to Dr. Hurt.

How about that Super Bowl? I was rooting for the Patriots just to be contrary to my husband's pick. Super Steve had money on the Giants and we all know how it ended. However, I was happy to see Eli get MVP. I feel so close to Eli since he was a quarterback at Ole Miss and I've been to some Ole Miss football games. We weren't enrolled in school at the same time but we have so much in common it's eerie.

Who thought the last night's Super Bowl ads were boring? Maybe the Super Bowl ads are officially over hyped? Thoughts?

IF you read this, I hope it's not too late...

Two years before....."You really need to get all four of your wisdom teeth removed," They said.

Three weeks before....
"Schedule it for a Thursday, that way, you'll have the weekend to take it easy and by Monday, you'll be good to go," They said.

After two years of hearing this rhetoric, I finally scheduled myself a harmless,little, old toof extraction at the oral surgeon's. I was to have four teeth removed by appropriately-named, Dr. Hurt. I heard the nurses snicker and sinister chords from a pipe organ resonate in the hall as I said that "Yes, Thursday, Jan. 24 would be fine for surgery."

Last week....
Before I closed my eyes, as the serum invaded my veins, I heard the doctor whisper to the nurse, "Tell Satan to come out of the closet. It's time to surgically implant him in the victim's mouth." I was paralyzed to run.I knew I had been duped by the Dental profession.

Jan. 24, 2008
The cruel hand of fate was dealt and my mouth auctioned to Beelezubub. Who will ever know the truth? Nobody will take me seriously. They say the drugs are making me talk out of my head. I plead to be understood. They must know that something evil has taken place in furthest recesses of my lower jaws but all I get is some jello and pureed soups. Ah more Vicoden...snzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Jan. 25, 2008
My head is three times the size it used to be. Everybody pretends it's not that bad but I can tell by their worried whispers that the experiment has gone dreadfully wrong. They keep feeding me the evil that is pudding and telling me that it's not that bad but I know I look like Eric Stoltz in "Mask". How will this all end? Hasn't Satan done enough? How much humiliation can one person endure?

January 31, 2008
The devil's grip has lessened on my jowls. My will is stronger than his but the sulpher-like smell of death still permeates my breath as a sign of his resistance to all my Lysterine. I will fight you, Lucifer!

Tune in to the rest of the saga....

Book of Answers.

I gave my friends The Book of Answers for Christmas. It's a handy little hardback book that promises to help with all of life's uncertainties and problems.
Here's what you do...Think of the question that's on your heart while holding the closed book on your lap or on a table. Take 10 - 15 seconds to concentrate on the question. Questions should be close-ended. Open the book when you sense the time is right and there, ladies and gentleman, is your answer.

Let's ask my copy of this little gem a few important questions...

Will I ever go to Italy? Doubt it.
Will I ever lose all this weight? Wait.
What am I waiting for? Should I wait until they legalize crack and use that as my diet aid? There is a substantial link to another situation.
What? Like, am I going to have to go to rehab if I take crack? Consider it an opportunity.
Will I meet famous people at my rehab? Respect the rules.
What if I forget to respect the rules seeing how I'm all strung out on crack. Will they kick me out? Make a list of why.
I don't want to make a list why I didn't respect the rules. Will Britney be my roommate? Get it in writing.
I don't know what the hell that means!! You can't count on anything Britney does even if you get it in writing. Will Britney get her act together in the next 6 months? Mishaps are highly probable.
You can say that again, Answer Book. Let's look at the presidential race. Will Hillary get the Democratic nomination? Remove your own obstacles.

Whoaa....slow down, chief, I don't have obstacles. I'm not even running. So, do you like Obama? It may be difficult but you may find value in it.
Don't toy with me, book. So back to my original question. Will I lose weight this year? Ask your father.
Leave my dad out of it. I give up. Will I get a new car this spring? Upgrade any way you can.
Does that mean I've got to sell crack to get my car? Listen more carefully; Then you will know.
What the hell??? Answer me, dammit! Is this going to be my best year ever? Try a more unlikely solution.
Wait...does that mean my year is going to be awful? I need to end on a positive note. Do you like McCain for the Republican nomination? No, cancel that...Will I receive a large sum of money by summer? It seems assured.

Wooo Hoo! Thanks Book of Answers! For a while there I was starting to think you were a gimmick; a fake. I thought you were just toying with me. Thanks for the good news.
If you have pressing matters that need resolving, please send me whatever is weighing on your mind and my book will guide you.

Calling All Molecules for Change

Why did I pick up Elizabeth Gilbert's book, Eat, Pray , Love? Why? Now I'm full of restlessness and jealously and unfocused energy. I am officially on the countdown to turning 40. This is the year, folks, and I desperately need some Oprah magical A-HA! moments. It's time to live my best life and blah, blah, blah. I want some challenges. I need to meet some new people. I need to travel. I need push myself a bit more to be a better person, mother, wife, and even a student.

The thing is that I have already set some goals. I'm already doing something out of my comfort zone (teaching) and I have signed up to try to be a bit better ( Weight Watchers, more church, looking inward, and praying). So why am I looking for new things to add to the old, new things?

That's just the way I've always been - whacked out on undiagnosed ADD.

Here are my challenges for 2008. Things I want to accomplish before turning 40 on December 13, 2008.

l. Lose 30 -40 pounds. I signed up for Weight Watchers two weeks ago. I'm down a whopping four pounds. I get all four of my wisdom teeth extracted this Thursday. The only good that will come of that is I will not be able to eat for a few days.

2. I am teaching again. I like it but I still don't know if I'm imparting any practical knowledge to my students. I would like to look into getting a master's degree in literature or creative writing. I will be looking into the possibilities.

3. Lisa Melton told me about a 5k run in Germantown. She is doing a half-marathon. I will try to finish 3 point something miles. Wish me luck.

4. I want to write / publish a book.

This is my plea to the universe: lose weight, more learning, physical fitness, write more and publish, be a better mother, wife, daughter. In fact, all of this list making is my way of trying to rearrange the fabric of the universe to help me make a better, more restful bed. I have decided it can't hurt to practice some new age philosophy along with good old-fashioned Presbyterianism. Any and all advice will be appreciated.

What???

Dammit!!! I just wrote something incredibly beautiful, heartwarming, and life changing but you will never know because my fingers just spazzed and I deleted it. Happy New Year!