Music I love right now:
Cat Powers' album The Greatest
Joseph Arthur's album Nuclear Daydream
Justin Timberlake's single What Goes Around Comes Around ( my secret shame)
Books I'm reading:
Mississippi Sissy - Kevin Sessums
Liar's Club
TV shows I watch to nourish my mind and deepen my spiritualality
The Real Desperate Housewives of Orange County
Top Chef
Wife Swap
America's Next Top Model
Project Runway
Times I was almost killed taking carpool this week:
1
Times I thought You Tube is awsome this week:
4
Times I thought You Tube is the vehicle in which the anti-christ will make his grand entrance:
too many to count - does everybody need 15 minutes of fame?
Times I thought MTV is be the downfall of civilization:
6 - especially when I caught a couple of episodes of Next and My Super Sweet 16
How often I have googled my own name this week:
1 and it was lame
What came up when I googled "what Lisa wants"
more control; a family; to bang Mike and practice her Arabic...mmmm I never knew.
Funniest website I've read in a while:
www.thingsmyboyfriendsays.com
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Take me to your plastic surgeon
What has happened to everybody's face? Well, maybe not everybody's face but Hollywood faces and rich lady faces? It's like women of a certain age with means are morphing into other worldly creatures and listen up, they are taking over.
They have listless, impossibly doe-eyed eyes that don't shut completely. The better to peer into your soul and steal it with. They have potruding, razor-sharp cheeks bones that have been lifted to new heights. The better to shred your self confidence with. Their skin is smooth and has a phosphorescent glow from so much glycolic acid. The better to spot others like them so they can start a new colony on earth. Their lips are pouty and plump. The better to suck out negative thoughts from people who wonder if that look is a little too over the top.
Prime examples of the new E.T. look are:
Nicole Kidman: weirdly pixie-ish
Janice Dickinson: evil super model weird
Joan Rivers: just plain wrong and weird
Melissa Rivers: following in her mother's footstep's weird
All the Desperate Housewives: weird, weird, weird and desperately weird
Even Paris Hilton is weirdly hot. Is that pout of her's real? It was such a relief to see Meryl Streep on the Golden Globes. She looked normal and beautiful - So did America Ferrara (?) and whoever Jennifer Lopez goes to is doing a great job. She's beautiful without looking crazy.
See, if Hollywood and the rich are doing these things to their faces it won't be long until it reaches the masses. Imagine a country where all the women have the same expressionless face. Is this just a new way of keeping women down - by using vanity to keep us from speaking out and using our voices? When you speak out, you frown and that causes wrinkles.
I watched Taxi Driver the other night and I noticed how the 1970's standard of beauty is so different from today's. It doesn't even match up. Cybill Shepard is georgous but she has thin lips, a long nose and by today's standards - large hips. If some Hollywood executive were casting this movie today, he would probably get someone like Scarlet Johanssen who is beautiful. She has the pouty lips, large breasts and no hips that are in vogue. Robert DeNiro would probably still be cast in his role at the same age he is now.
I'm not saying all plastic surgery is bad. I had a breast augmentation 13 years ago but that was different because that was me and we're not talking about me and if you could have seen how flat I was you would have contributed to the fund. But enough about me, I'm making a point about other dillusional people. All I'm saying is that aliens have landed and they all go to the same plastic surgeon.
They have listless, impossibly doe-eyed eyes that don't shut completely. The better to peer into your soul and steal it with. They have potruding, razor-sharp cheeks bones that have been lifted to new heights. The better to shred your self confidence with. Their skin is smooth and has a phosphorescent glow from so much glycolic acid. The better to spot others like them so they can start a new colony on earth. Their lips are pouty and plump. The better to suck out negative thoughts from people who wonder if that look is a little too over the top.
Prime examples of the new E.T. look are:
Nicole Kidman: weirdly pixie-ish
Janice Dickinson: evil super model weird
Joan Rivers: just plain wrong and weird
Melissa Rivers: following in her mother's footstep's weird
All the Desperate Housewives: weird, weird, weird and desperately weird
Even Paris Hilton is weirdly hot. Is that pout of her's real? It was such a relief to see Meryl Streep on the Golden Globes. She looked normal and beautiful - So did America Ferrara (?) and whoever Jennifer Lopez goes to is doing a great job. She's beautiful without looking crazy.
See, if Hollywood and the rich are doing these things to their faces it won't be long until it reaches the masses. Imagine a country where all the women have the same expressionless face. Is this just a new way of keeping women down - by using vanity to keep us from speaking out and using our voices? When you speak out, you frown and that causes wrinkles.
I watched Taxi Driver the other night and I noticed how the 1970's standard of beauty is so different from today's. It doesn't even match up. Cybill Shepard is georgous but she has thin lips, a long nose and by today's standards - large hips. If some Hollywood executive were casting this movie today, he would probably get someone like Scarlet Johanssen who is beautiful. She has the pouty lips, large breasts and no hips that are in vogue. Robert DeNiro would probably still be cast in his role at the same age he is now.
I'm not saying all plastic surgery is bad. I had a breast augmentation 13 years ago but that was different because that was me and we're not talking about me and if you could have seen how flat I was you would have contributed to the fund. But enough about me, I'm making a point about other dillusional people. All I'm saying is that aliens have landed and they all go to the same plastic surgeon.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Little Miss Supermodel
My 7-year-old daughter is a self-described "tom-girl" and "girly girl" all rolled into one. I call her Ellie Mae Clampett because she loves all critters great and small.
She has never ever been afraid to pet a stingray or sturgeon at the aquarium. She proudly posed for a picture holding a small alligator in Natchidotches, LA. Anything fluffy, scaly or slimy is beautiful in her eyes.
Once when we were replacing the lining on the pool, somebody found the largest spotted bullfrog I had ever seen in the wild. It stretched from my middle finger to my elbow. That's an eyeball estimate because I was not about to get that close to a vicious, blood sucking amphibian but Lucy was fascinated. She immediately plucked it from the man's hand and galloped over to show me. On the way over she kissed it a few times. As I threw up in my mouth a bit and tried not to scream like a scared sissy, I marveled at her bravery and loving spirit.
On the other hand, she's lately become obsessed with super models and their suggestive poses. She came into my room and pulled up her shirt, sucked in her stomach and stated that this was a supermodel tummy and then she let out her breath and told me that her tummy was a kid's supermodel tummy. Then she asked me if hers was good kid's super model tummy.
Later at bath time as she was getting undressed
Lucy: "It's okay if supermodels take pictures with no clothes on because they do this." She strikes a demure pose with her hands placed strategically over her nonexistent chest and her legs crossed.
Me: "Why are you so interested in models. I thought you wanted to be a vet."
Lucy: "I DO want to be a vet but what if we're walking down the street and a man with a modeling business tells me I should be a super model?"
Me: "You tell him thank you but you've got better things to do - like school."
Lucy: "But what if he tells me I HAVE to do it because I'm so beautiful?"
Me: "We'll figure it out when it happens. Bathe!"
Lucy: ( insistent)"But he says I have to."
Me: (Taking advantage of a quality learning/ character building moment)"Do you want to do that? I think it's more important to go to school. I'd rather you be smart and kind. You're already beautiful. You don't have to prove it and I never want you to do something like that just because someone says you have to. You don't!"
Lucy: "This is how a supermodel poses in a bathtub." She sucks in her cheeks and poses on her side making sure to cover up certain body parts and looks vapidly off into space.
Me: "Guess what, I'd better not ever catch you posing naked (nekkid)! Think about school!"
I remember wanting to be plucked out of obscurity by someone saying I just had to come with them because I was so special/ beautiful/ talented. I hope she always feels so confident about herself because she is beautiful and wonderful but if I ever see her in some pictures, naked as a lima bean, there's going to be hell to pay or at least a lot of money involved!
She has never ever been afraid to pet a stingray or sturgeon at the aquarium. She proudly posed for a picture holding a small alligator in Natchidotches, LA. Anything fluffy, scaly or slimy is beautiful in her eyes.
Once when we were replacing the lining on the pool, somebody found the largest spotted bullfrog I had ever seen in the wild. It stretched from my middle finger to my elbow. That's an eyeball estimate because I was not about to get that close to a vicious, blood sucking amphibian but Lucy was fascinated. She immediately plucked it from the man's hand and galloped over to show me. On the way over she kissed it a few times. As I threw up in my mouth a bit and tried not to scream like a scared sissy, I marveled at her bravery and loving spirit.
On the other hand, she's lately become obsessed with super models and their suggestive poses. She came into my room and pulled up her shirt, sucked in her stomach and stated that this was a supermodel tummy and then she let out her breath and told me that her tummy was a kid's supermodel tummy. Then she asked me if hers was good kid's super model tummy.
Later at bath time as she was getting undressed
Lucy: "It's okay if supermodels take pictures with no clothes on because they do this." She strikes a demure pose with her hands placed strategically over her nonexistent chest and her legs crossed.
Me: "Why are you so interested in models. I thought you wanted to be a vet."
Lucy: "I DO want to be a vet but what if we're walking down the street and a man with a modeling business tells me I should be a super model?"
Me: "You tell him thank you but you've got better things to do - like school."
Lucy: "But what if he tells me I HAVE to do it because I'm so beautiful?"
Me: "We'll figure it out when it happens. Bathe!"
Lucy: ( insistent)"But he says I have to."
Me: (Taking advantage of a quality learning/ character building moment)"Do you want to do that? I think it's more important to go to school. I'd rather you be smart and kind. You're already beautiful. You don't have to prove it and I never want you to do something like that just because someone says you have to. You don't!"
Lucy: "This is how a supermodel poses in a bathtub." She sucks in her cheeks and poses on her side making sure to cover up certain body parts and looks vapidly off into space.
Me: "Guess what, I'd better not ever catch you posing naked (nekkid)! Think about school!"
I remember wanting to be plucked out of obscurity by someone saying I just had to come with them because I was so special/ beautiful/ talented. I hope she always feels so confident about herself because she is beautiful and wonderful but if I ever see her in some pictures, naked as a lima bean, there's going to be hell to pay or at least a lot of money involved!
Monday, January 8, 2007
New Year, New ways to fool myself
Well, well, well it's time to get serious about New Year's Resolutions. I like to give myself about a two week window of time to get serious about the new year. It's important for me to be well-rested before getting all resolute about a random list that's supposed to make me a better person. I have a long list of things that I have been trying to accomplish for what seems like forever but I really think 2007 is going to my year!
"Why this year?" You may ask.
Because I believe in the tooth fairy, magic, that Oprah can see me through the t.v., plus, I have the optimism of a pampered pekinese puppy!
There's always the "lose weight" resolution. Only 10 years ago I wanted to lose 10 lbs but really any punk can lose that. So I held off. This year I have a real goal - lose a whopping 30 lbs. Let the games begin!
Write more - become the next David Sedaris or Amy. Um, maybe I'll just just write something, somewhere. Do bathroom stalls count?
Read more and not just PerezHilton.com. I plan to read loftier things, like "People" or "O.K.", maybe something more European like "Hello" for a little international flavor.
Be a better person, blah, blah, blah.
This list is boring perhaps this year I should:
Gain more weight in the new year. Have more eating contests.
More laying around on the couch and read more "In Style" magazines or Lane Bryant catalogs, Tell the kids to be quiet while I think about dinner with my eyes closed.
Learn two or three great drink recipes. Teach Lucy to become my personal mixologist. Get Cavitt to start wearing a tuxedo and ask me what I would like for a snack.
Make some new friends on the internet who are into ninjas. Buy some throwing stars and stealthily hurl them at my husband when he's not acting right. Hmmm...he might be into that.
Learn to bend metal with my mind.
Check back to see how I'm doing.
"Why this year?" You may ask.
Because I believe in the tooth fairy, magic, that Oprah can see me through the t.v., plus, I have the optimism of a pampered pekinese puppy!
There's always the "lose weight" resolution. Only 10 years ago I wanted to lose 10 lbs but really any punk can lose that. So I held off. This year I have a real goal - lose a whopping 30 lbs. Let the games begin!
Write more - become the next David Sedaris or Amy. Um, maybe I'll just just write something, somewhere. Do bathroom stalls count?
Read more and not just PerezHilton.com. I plan to read loftier things, like "People" or "O.K.", maybe something more European like "Hello" for a little international flavor.
Be a better person, blah, blah, blah.
This list is boring perhaps this year I should:
Gain more weight in the new year. Have more eating contests.
More laying around on the couch and read more "In Style" magazines or Lane Bryant catalogs, Tell the kids to be quiet while I think about dinner with my eyes closed.
Learn two or three great drink recipes. Teach Lucy to become my personal mixologist. Get Cavitt to start wearing a tuxedo and ask me what I would like for a snack.
Make some new friends on the internet who are into ninjas. Buy some throwing stars and stealthily hurl them at my husband when he's not acting right. Hmmm...he might be into that.
Learn to bend metal with my mind.
Check back to see how I'm doing.
Friday, January 5, 2007
The time is ripe for writing
I promised myself that in 2007 I would start a blog. I am starting something that my husband can't quite wrap his head around because he is much more reserved, private and dignified than I am. I am going to start something that most of my good friends think is a colossal waste of valuable drinking time or story-watching time. They think reading blogs is something like watching for UFOs. It's a perfectly fine past time for wild-haired, scruffy people who mutter to themselves as they walk down the street but do you really want to ask them to speak up so you can hear?
Well, by the grace of the sweet baby Lord Jesus, here it is! My blog. My wild-haired, scruffy mutterings. My record of my inner voice / voices that won't let me sleep at night. I think it's going good so far, don't you?
What? Why is your forehead wrinkling up that way? Why are you looking like that? Don't go a away. I really like you! Sometimes great genius takes a while to settle in. Give it a minute or a decade. Call me!!!
I got the name special funny from a movie that I can't remember the name of or maybe I heard it somewhere...an Asian sounding man says in a whiny voice, "You think you so special funny. You not special! You not funny!" Anyway, it's really funny the way it plays out in my mind. You should hear it. If anybody could tell me the name of the movie then I could get some rest.
I live in a small town in the Mississippi Delta. Greenwood is home to the blues, catfish, lots of poverty, Viking Ranges and a whole bunch of funny, crazy fools that I call friends. I am a free lance writer and I work part -time at a bookstore. I have a wonderfully sane husband named Steven and two children: :Lucy, 6 and Cavitt, 4. My sweet angels are very good looking, super intelligent and special funny. They are a source of great entertainment and frustration- -so's my husband. He doesn't really like me talking about him because, like I said, he's real dignified-like and he has a respectable career. Please read the following disclaimer:
Any thoughts, words, quotes, intellectual musings or lack thereof are mine and do not in any way, shape or form reflect Steven's thoughts, ideologies, private fantasies, morals, etc., etc Amen. My husband shall be henceforth and everafter referred to as Super Steve in this blog. I take responsibility for all content posted here unless I've been drinking and then I blame the devil, who looks nothing like Super Steve. I don't even think they've met except at the bottom of a glass of cognac but that's a story for another post.
P.S. I put money away weekly for future therapy sessions that my children will probably require to come to terms with their maternal issues. If you would like to contribute, email me.
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